Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.
After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.
As they were carpooling back from the funeral the lawyer asked what the priest whispered. The priest — with tears in his eyes — said that he had to confess he spent some of the money on an orphanage so that some hungry kids would not starve and that he feels bad for what he had done, but that he had no choice. The doctor then admits that he too had to let him know that one of his patients needed a surgery that he alone could not do, that he spent some of the money to save the person’s life. The lawyer looks at them with scorn and says, “how could you? You have betrayed a man’s last and dying request!” The doctor and priest look at the lawyer and asks, “so your bag had all the money he entrusted you with?” To which he replies, “damn right, I wrote the check for the full amount, not a penny less!”
Transcripts of radio conversations of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision
Canadians: Negative. Divert your course 15 degrees to the South
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. Divert your course NOW.
Canadians: Sorry. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!
How many stockbrokers are needed to change a light bulb successfully?
Two. One to take it out and the other to sell before it falls down and crashes!
A doctor and a lawyer in separate vehicles collided on I-95 one foggy night. The fault was questionable, but both were shaken up, and the lawyer offered the doctor a drink from a pocket flask. The doctor took the flask with a shaking hand and belted back a couple of swallows. As the lawyer started to put the cap back on the flask the doctor asked, “Aren’t you going to have one too, for your nerves?” “Of course I am,” replied the lawyer, “after the Highway Patrol gets here.”
An economist walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. The waiter asks him: “Should I cut it into 4 pieces or 6 pieces?” The economist replies: “I’m feeling hungry right now. You’d better cut it into 6 pieces.”
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old. Well, you’ll love this one….
My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which had his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High school.
‘Yes. Yes, I did.’ he gleamed with pride.
‘When did you graduate?’ I asked.
He answered, ‘In 1967. Why do you ask?’
‘You were in my class!’ I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray-haired man asked, ‘What did you teach?’
A man who had too much to drink decided to walk home on New Year’s Eve. A policeman stopped the man and asked where he was going. “I’m on my way to a lecture,” the man replied. The cop scoffed, “Who gives lectures on New Year’s Eve?” The man answered: “My wife.”
Who can drive all their customers away and still make money?
What did the triangle say to the circle?